Saturday, June 18, 2011

An Intrusion of Cockroaches...

I'm housesitting right now. Something always goes wrong when I housesit, but then again, something always goes wrong when I do anything...

I moved to the Peninsula a few months back. I don't recommend it to anyone. The move was for a job that I love, but I have come to find that this Florida living is absolutely NOT for me. AT ALL. Especially in the summer time. The main reason? I'm terrified of all the bugs that I encounter on a daily, and even worse, nightly basis. Particularly, the Palmetto bug. "Palmetto" is a fancy moniker given to the mouse-sized cockroaches inhabiting the south. I think this name is some sort of attempt to fool you into thinking that it is not a roach at all but is in fact some delightful Disney-themed critter that, just like all the other residents of Florida, enjoys palm trees, a tropical climate, and close proximity to water.

I first encountered this evil insect at my sister's house. In my bedroom at my sister's house. I thought I saw something rush by out of the corner of my eye.  With much trepidation I started slowly shifting around articles of clothing that were in a pile that I was readying for Goodwill. I didn't find anything but was still suspicious so I turned off the light and left the room for a few minutes. When I returned, I switched on the light, and there it was, standing in the middle of the room like some primeval sentry, the largest and creepiest bug I had ever seen. I went after it with intent to kill, but no dice, it somehow scurried right under a wooden box - which I now suspect to be some kind of disappearing cabinet - because when I moved the box, of course the roach was gone.  Out of sheer paranoia, I had to sleep in the guest room that night figuring it had to be a safer bet. Luckily, it was.

A few nights later I returned to my own room. As I sat on the bed watching Saturday Night Live, I detected the same eerie blur of movement from my peripheral vision.  There is no way, I thought.  I mean, it's late, I must be seeing things, right?  Wrong. I moved the pillows around just to assuage my fears, and lo and behold, another Palmetto bug was scampering around right in my bed. After texting my disgust and several photos of the intruder to friends, I packed up and headed back over to the guest room where I attempted to sleep, with all of the lights on, of course.

Cut to a few days later and I am housesitting for a friend who sympathizes with my Palmetto plight and has assured me that he NEVER EVER sees any bugs in his house whatsoever. Perfect, I think. Two weeks of a bug-free existence in a quaint little historic Florida town. Sounds ideal. Well yeah, it would be ideal, except for all the bugs. Not only are there Palmetto bugs about - one of which I killed using the tested trifecta of terror: whacking it repeatedly with a broom (it still marched on), spraying it profusely with Windex, (it still ambled about, and I started to feel bad that it seemed addled and stunned), and finally wailing on it with a combat boot (this finally did the trick) - but there are also small wood roaches milling about the entire first floor, and tonight, I awoke at 1 a.m. to enjoy a sighting of four 1-to-1.5-inch FLYING brown cockroaches.  Just soaring about in the hallway outside the bedroom door.  Up to that moment, I had heard of, but had never come in contact with, the dreaded roach that could fly. It was right about that moment that I decided to bail.  I put on a hoodie and armed myself with Windex in an attempt to dodge the little kamikaze pilots, as I headed for the front door.  I made sure the cat, who oddly enough enjoys the bugs, had enough food and water for the night and then I ran to my car, threw it in first, and peeled away from this latest house of horrors.

These above situations are not my only encounters with bugs, but I'll go into detail about the bed bug scare and the baffling flea infestation later. And I also don't believe in that fake-o supposed law of attraction mumbo-jumbo known as The Secret, or at least i thought I didn't, but when things I fear the most keep consistently manifesting their existence in my life, I have to wonder if somehow I'm not putting out some bizarre energy vibe that is drawing it all to me.

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